Integrative Parenting by Debra Wesselmann

Author:Debra Wesselmann
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: W. W. Norton & Company

UNDERSTANDING OTHER COMMON “SCARY” BEHAVIORS

Children with a history of attachment trauma feel insecure and unable to turn to parents for comfort or help. This is a miserable way to live in the world. As a result, the children live in “survival brain,” as we’ve mentioned, which means that they will do whatever they think they need to do in order to . . .

•Protect themselves

•Comfort themselves

•Self-regulate

Your child had to learn strategies to self-protect, self-comfort, and self-regulate in her early life. Even though her situation changed, her survival behaviors did not. Remember that her old thoughts and feelings are hardwired into her brain. When triggered, scared feelings and thoughts are activated, triggering earlier strategies for self-protection, self-comfort, and self-regulation by default.

Think about your child’s early life. How do you imagine she protected herself? Did she learn to scream and cry to demand the attention or food she needed? Did she learn to shut down and withdraw in order to avoid getting hurt? Did she learn to take food surreptitiously so as not to attract attention? Did she learn to lie to avoid repercussions?

What do you believe she did to comfort herself? Did she learn to self-comfort with sweet or salty things, when there was little comfort available? Did she learn masturbation or sexual touch as a way of getting good feelings?

Even children who were removed from situations of neglect quite early are hardwired to mistrust the adults who care for them, and they continue to fear that they will not get enough of what they need—food, attention, or comfort. It sometimes takes only a few short weeks for the brain to wire itself for survival during infancy.

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